


Sometimes I doubt myself

by Piccola_Poe



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 15:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21121052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piccola_Poe/pseuds/Piccola_Poe
Summary: Sebastian Castellanos is dealing with self-doubt over things that were beyond his control, and with Joseph’s health problems as well as his own. But living without Joseph is not a life that Sebastian wants or is willing to do.





	Sometimes I doubt myself

**Author's Note:**

> Newbie here so no biting.  
Comments 100% welcome.

"God, I don't deserve someone like you. You're perfect in every way; everyone likes you. You should have my job for all I know. You have seen me in my darkest hours, and no one should have to put up with that. Like I've said before, there should be more people like you in the force. Damn it, I hate feeling guilty for being with you." sighing and run my hand through my hair and start rubbing my temples. I'm giving myself a fucking headache thinking about this. "It's true what I've heard them say, too old, too screwed up and dangerous. Yeah, you don't need all that baggage."

"Sebastian, Sebastian, earth to Seb? Are you home?" 

My eyes meet your face " Oh Joseph don't worry about me, it's putting lines on your face that you don't need." I smile at you and try to cover this up "Got a headache that's all, might need more fresh air in here." I rise and open the nearest window by my desk.

"I'm worried about you Seb, you've already smoked more cigarettes that you do and when you've started cutting back. From six up to eight isn't a good sign Seb." Joseph said his eyes are burning into my back.

"Joseph keep those amazing skills for your work." It sounds mean. I know, but I sometimes wish that he would. he doesn't know how to turn off "There are no real reasons to worry, it's a headache that's all."

"Things can change at any moment...we know this already." his voice is quiet as he fiddles with the papers in his hands, he can't forget about STEM.

I can't forget about it either; night is when the repetition of every nightmare blurred into one big mess. Inside of my dreams is STEM, the death of my little girl and every murder that I've ever seen. I can only escape in the world of the awake; sleep is not my friend. In this job, you need to make a decision. Sleep or crazy? The choice is yours. "I've already been to the doctor, Joseph and nothing is wrong. He's happy to hear. I'm quitting smoking again." I'm able to face him again with the exertion that I want to show him; everything is excellent. "When work is over I'll go to bed early; I'll be right for the weekend then."

"So you don't want to do anything tonight?"

"I'll make it up to you, I promise." My hand is resting on his shoulder. I move the pen to my other side so that I can take the papers off him; I don't want any pen marks on his hard work. "I'll get this done and hand it all in."

"I could help you finish it." he looks down at the floor then back up at me, "Since you're not feeling well?"

"Oh Joseph, because I'm old doesn't mean you have to put me in a nursing home yet." I grin at him. as I mess up his hair, to get his eyes off me for five minutes. "It's paperwork, I can work through it, and I swear to you that I won't get any paper cuts, so you won't need to get the first aid kit."

"Well, that would be a first," Joseph replies with that sarcasm that I know so well. I'm in the green.

I decided to leave early. I've done all my paperwork. Today was quiet, and I'll admit that this is rare in this department, but I guess every department can have a quiet one. I tap Joseph on the shoulder as I walk past him, he nods at me and Tom a few desk up says bye, I reply and keep walking. *******

Home it's great when all you want to do is be home. Since our time within STEM, I've moved again. It is a bigger apartment. I don't need it, but what sold it was the big kitchen, two car spaces and a balcony, big enough for an edible size garden. If only the guys at work knew. That fierce, stubborn and angry old Sebastian was a great cook, as well as being good at gardening. My mother and father had made sure that none of their children was useless.

I've thought many times about sharing this place with Joseph and asking him to move in because it wasn't like he didn't live here anyway. Joseph spent most of his time here, and he even had a lot of his clothes here already. Joseph had divorced his wife before the fire. He had not told me about it until we got out of STEM. Joseph still lived with his ex-wife, which made looking after his daughter a breeze. But Joseph had told me that he didn't feel comfortable. That it was like he was putting on another mask, to play I'm ok? Joseph would end up having nightmares and ending up in my bed, so I always made sure that Joseph had a key to this place.

I had a shower and went to bed, drifted in and out of sleep until I woke up to find someone lying beside me. I know its Joseph, and he is watching me. "What have I said about watching me sleep, Jojo."

"Why are you acting strange Seb?" he said as his hand brushed my hair out of my face.

"I'm not; why would you think that?" I reply with my best-confused act. " Please don't see through me, God I'm begging?"

"I knew it." I felt him pull back and get off the bed. "Do you care about me or not? Why are you playing with me?"

"What? No, Joseph, it's not like that!" I get out of bed and try my best to calm him down.

"The Sebastian I know would tell me what's wrong" Joseph through that right into my face.

"The Sebastian you know, wouldn't lie about wanting to follow his daughter into the ground. He drank his pain away; that's all," I said it right to him and let him read my face; I did not want to hind this time.

"Tell me, what is wrong, Seb please." he touches my arms, his eyes are pleading.

"Sometimes I doubt myself ok, I'm not good enough for you." There the truth is out now.

"why do you think so little of yourself? When we both know that I'm the only one who's not good enough for anyone."

"Joseph, don't say shit about yourself like that!" I can't stand anyone putting Joseph down even if it Is himself. I know I've put Joseph on a pedestal; since the first time, we met. I've put him there. I'm the lowly dog at the foot of the foundation; I know where I belong.

"Stop putting me on a pedestal! No one should be on a pedestal." Joseph yells at me; he is getting distressed "Why can't I be on the bottom like everyone else."

"Because you do belong there, the rest of us dogs know our place."

"I can't live up to your expectation. it gives me anxiety, and why are you a dog?" Joseph hits my shoulders. "Why can't you see what I see Seb?"

"There's nothing to see."

"Sebastian, what's not to envy about you? You're smart, witty and clever. you're strong and kind, but your heart is your biggest weakness; you're a powerful force in the office." Joseph can tell that I'm getting uncomfortable, but he won't give up. "Stubborn and feared by others. A power that I wish I could own because I get sick of being all sunshine out of my ass all the time!"

I smile at that line, but I don't want to hear any more "Ok, that's enough!"

"No, you listen to me!" he talks quite stern with me. "A big romantic young boy at heart, and you're not scared to show your emotions, and you fight for what you love. Now tell me what's wrong with that?" I was about to reply when his hand covered my mouth. We are so close. "No wait don't say anything." he pulls me in for a kiss. "No one has the power to take me from you, haven't you learned that yet? Or do I have to disappear again."

"No one is taking you anywhere that you don't want to go!" I say as my grip on him tightened.

"And you have already proved it too." Joseph returns the tight embrace. "There's no one else that I want to be with, even if I have to push the wheelchair when you are old." laughter broke out between and ended with me hitting Joseph on the back.

"I'm not that old! Come on, let's go to bed." Turning towards the bed. Joseph's arms come around my middle, his head resting between my shoulder blades and leading him to bed again.

"Promise me that you don't think like this again," he said as I lay him down.

"I can promise you," I replied. I was playing with Joseph's fingers in my mouth. His fingernails are a little long and a pain in my backside. When in the shower, but I'd never tell him to cut them, it is his decision, not mine.

"I'm going to get through your thick head sooner or later, and you know it."

"How can I argue with that, you're always right, Joseph." Joseph is a cat with milk, and I'm such a dog. I am protecting that cat on the pedestal because he is the only precious thing in my life and I'm happy as hell about it too. 

**Author's Note:**

> An old story now, I've never posted, only enjoyed stuff from here.


End file.
